It began, the rain swept night, deep within the city. I stood there, soaked in the downpour, dying inside. Cars just passed on by, ever ceaseless, ever pressing. The night wears on, and we just stand, alone with no will to be here. Hector, Chino, Carlos, and myself. Alone and lost in Philly’s badlands.
The dawn came without warning, and our eyes, so accustomed to the dark, were not prepared even by its pale light. The light gradually grows to brilliance, and we shield our eyes looking for our chance. I felt I was in way too deep, there was no way out. My last chance had past me by.
We wanted freedom, just wanted a chance. But our fate was written out in the story of the death. We knew love, but it could not stop us. We knew how to defend, kill, and protect. But we never met to stare death face to face. As I never wanted to be the only one standing.
They took out Carlos, Chino, and Hector. In the flash of chrome, my world crumbled, my heart ceased to feel, my soul ceased to be. The bullets were meant for me. It wasn’t supposed to go down like this. I begged Hector to take me with him in death. Let me go down too. I would rather take one thousand bullets then to ever feel this pain. It tears at my soul and I bleed and I bleed and I bleed.
My boys shall never stand in the rain again. Never shield their eyes from the sun’s blinding glare. I will never be the same again. For I got out, I alone escaped Death’s grip. Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing here. What is life anyway? A mere passing moment that you don’t even get the chance to enjoy.
I think of the way Carlos, Chino, and Hector died. The agony I feel consumes me. I can laugh it off but I’m dying inside. So I ran from Philly, like something unseen was following me. But it draws me back, like a vortex of blackness, sucking me into its depths. Back to Philly, where it began.
So here I am, another rain swept night. I stand deep within the city. Whatever is chasing me cannot catch me anymore. I’ve just let go, it’s over. Chino, I see your ghost on the street. You call to me to go forward. But, you cannot seem to tell me where the road is. I hear a voice in the distance, an echo of the past. Children going to school, as it is dawn once again.
I shield my eyes from the sun’s glare, look into the distance, expecting to see that car coming slowly again. Guns coming out of the windows like accusing fingers. But there was nothing there but empty space and time. I will walk from here for the last time. Bury within me the pain of the past. For now I know what you meant Chino, by going forward. You meant the road to the future, and the chance we all have been seeking.
Death led you guys to freedom, and life will lead me to mine. I walk down the road that leads me home, sleep, and awake to welcome the dawn. A dawn that has never before been so receptive to my eyes. Everywhere I go, I will see your faces, hear the sounds of your voices. To the city and back again, I live on in your name, carry out your legend in my mind.
I know no fear, I have found the grace that we were seeking so long ago. I must move forward and believe that one day, on my last day, I will go on to see your faces. The old gang reunited. So that my soul can finally, rest in peace. So that I wander no more. Until that day comes, I live here, on Earth. The flight of the ghetto always within. My ghosts, shadowing me, protecting me as I walk. I am the city, I am the streets. I am pain and I am light. I am the shadow inside, I am freedom. I am life, I am death. I know no boundaries. I have no limits. I have myself, my will to carry on. Through the rain, through the dawn. Through life and through death. But, I lived, therefore I am… not a shadow, but alive. At long last…I feel alive.
In memory of those I loved who are not lost, but forever alive within me.
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