Lunes, Bloody Lunes

We just sittin around chillin’

not much goin on here.

Just us and a gun,…

Now they took out Carlos, on

Lunes, took him out on fifth,

he didn’t see it coming,

just one slug and he gone.

We heard, they said

“They got Carlos, but you too

late, he already gone”

and then the fire begins,

halfway to Lunes we journey,

the fire never goes out,

it just keeps burning,

killing us in its searing heat.

Once you come in, you can’t

get out.  We know that,

yet we still keep grindin.

I can’t believe it’s almost

Lunes again.

And it’s just us, chillin,

thinking, dying.

Not much goin on today

with a gun, and our hearts

heavy, laden with grief.

We will find them,

they will regret the day they

were created.

Carlos, our Carlos,

this is for you, Chico.

Rat tat tat…

It’s too late, it’s over.

The circle continues,

where it is Lunes once

again.

One by one we fall,

all the time,

there is a bullet for each

one of us.

So, do ya feel this?

Lights out.

There is no light.

No sun to nurture the grass

and trees, because we have

no grass and trees at all.

We have concrete,

and pain, that’s all.

We need a miracle,

we need sunlight,

we need green,

it’s like we’re about to bust,

if things don’t change,

we want it, but we run from it.

We feel it, but we don’t understand it.

It’s on our minds, day and night.

Get us out, let us go.

How can we live like this?

Every Lunes, someone else goes.

And it never ends.

The circle just keeps on getting

Bigger and bigger.

Swallowing us in its depths.

We are lost, let us be found.

If we are dead, let us

live again.

So understand this, if you can.

We are inside the circle of Death,

and for some there is no way

out, but to go straight down.

LOST IN PHILLY

 There was no pain, there was no danger.

We ran, hand in hand down war torn city streets.

Oblivious to the roar of the 45, that was a constant

backdrop to our Universe.

We were lost in love, two soul mates running from

reality.

Then one day, like a fist of venomous thunder, the

Hand of Fate struck.

I didn’t see that man on the corner, nor the silver sheen

of his knife.

Yes, this is how it was, I felt you fall, only I wouldn’t, couldn’t

let you reach the ground.

I held you in my arms, and oh’ God how I tried to stop the bleeding.

You died in my arms.

My love, my lost love, I cannot breath without you.  All I can see

is your eyes staring heavenward, at some distant void.

And all I can taste is agony, as I watched your soul start to fade.

We took so much for granted.

We were in love, that love can protect us from our world.

And now how fragile life seems to me.

I am alone now, I walk those same streets a ghost of my former self.

A shadow whose spirit already walks with you.

I cannot bear this pain.

Everyday, every waking hour, is an hour of brutal torture.

This is not fair.  We had so much planned.  Our future, our dreams

Lost.

Lost to me.  Lost.

Until one day the pain becomes far too intense

And I see the gun lying there.

As innocent as we used to be.

Oh, God, the gun is pointed at my head.

I take a breath, the madness sinks in.

I pull the trigger.

I enter the void where you went after you died.

We are just a void,  just the empty space.

This is for you, my love.

Wherever we may roam.

Just One More

Just One More…

As I sit at the bar

alone in my thoughts.

Lost to the outside,

nothing left  inside.

I swallow my last,

just one more time.

And I don’t care

really about anything.

Anywhere.

Just one more.

And I can go home

to rest.

Just one more and

I can forget who

I am.

Drunk to oblivion.

Lead me to it.

I can feel awareness

start to slip away,

and I’m really lost

I know it inside.

Just one more…

I’m so sad.

I leave the bar.

Unsettled in my head.

I do not look back,

I cannot look ahead.

Trapped in this moment

in an infinite space in

time.

I journey in my car,

somehow knowing the

way home.

Driving…

Something thumps beneath

my car,

but I do not stop.

I feel the presence

of Death, heavy

thumping, thudding in my ear.

Much like the music

pounding in my head.

I don’t look back,

but if I had

I would have

seen a child laying

broken in the street.

I do not care.

I would not care.

Nothing matters but

this moment.

Knowing there is

more beer waiting for me.

Just one more…

And I can ride on

the cloudth.

I can live like

I’ve dreamed.

That I’m dead,

that I am death.   

That I’m no more.

I don’t remember parking

the car, looking back.

I remember the void

as it swallows me whole.

I’ve drunken myself

to where I was meant to be.

Dead.

I am dead.

Heart stopped, no pulse.

Oh’ please do not let

them find a pulse.

I look back upon my

dead body,  ready

to leave this space and

finally go forward.

Death welcomes me here.

I see the boy who

I must of killed

he crys out to me,

“Why?”

I enter into more pain

then I’ve ever known.

I finally feel what

regret is like.

I have lost all

and gained nothing.

I have found a Hell

worse than being alive.

Now that I’m dead,

I finally face reality.

Now that I’m gone,

I finally see.

That there never

was an answer

in the bottle,

but only Death,

and the eternal fires

of Hell, that trap

me from within.

INTRODUCTION

Come with me now,
come drift to the depths
of the sea of consciousness.
For in the next hour you
will leave your body behind
and fly.  Close your eyes.
Gently, softly.  You shall fall.
In your mind’s eye visualize
a gilded ball.  The ball is
located at your feet.  Now
our journey begins.  The ball
is alive suddenly, spinning.
As it spins feel the muscles
in your feet begin to relax.
Now the gilded ball begins to
move slowly towards your head.
Relaxing your knee muscles, than
your hips, then your belly,
then your shoulders.  Relaxing music
penetrates deeply within your soul.
Finally the gilded ball moves to
your head.  Leave all thoughts
behind.  Journey with me.  Travel
to a place beyond time.
You are now in a state of deep
relaxation.  Nothing can harm
you now.  You are in the arms
of God.  I will count from
10-1.  The lower I count the more
relaxed you shall become.
10-9-8- getting deeply relaxed.
7-6-5-4- deeper and deeper.
3-2-1-your relaxation is now
complete and you are ready for
our journey.  

A meditation technique a Master taught me when I was going through dark times. Roughly translated into my own adaptation.

HEY GHETTO LOVE

To my lover, his spirit wonders

the streets.

Me, you left me here, remember.

Sometimes it’s so empty here.

The world is an endless void

without you.

I still wonder how you ever

left me here to die.

In this world, we were both

hated.

We had only each other to cling

to as the ghetto smoked around us.

But, it never bothered me, until

you went away.

And I cannot think, I cannot try.

I'm dead inside.

I choke on the memories, so vivid

dancing within my head.

Everything inside of me is longing,

yearning, dying to be with you.

So take me right out of this world.

Take me to our void.

Wherever you are…

Be my love, ghost,

your spirit I still chase.

But I am chasing a phantom,

through the alley, to a dead

end.

I don’t understand.

Were we not invincible?

We always thought that nothing

could destroy us.

But now the world is black…

Help me.  But I’ve already gone.

I’ve already lost.

I am not myself, but a shadow.

A shadow of something that once was,

but now forever waits in the void,

yearning for the ghost to return.

The love to resume.

Your love is what I lived for.

And you died for it. I will join you.

There are no guns in heaven. 

Then let be there.

Let us go.

Let me out.

Into the void, and into heaven.

Wherever you are, I will follow.

I will find you, your spirit calling.

I will get there, wait for me.

Please wait for me.

I will await my turn to die.

Until I can be with you.

You.

Until you.

Composed for Ghost. There is no such thing as Death. I shall see you again. Please wait for me.

Flight of the Ghetto

     It began, the rain swept night, deep within the city.  I stood there, soaked in the downpour, dying inside.  Cars just passed on by, ever ceaseless, ever pressing.  The night wears on, and we just stand, alone with no will to be here.  Hector, Chino, Carlos, and myself.  Alone and lost in Philly’s badlands.

     The dawn came without warning, and our eyes, so accustomed to the dark, were not prepared even by its pale light.  The light gradually grows to brilliance, and we shield our eyes looking for our chance.  I felt I was in way too deep, there was no way out.  My last chance had past me by. 

We wanted freedom, just wanted a chance.  But our fate was written out in the story of the death.  We knew love, but it could not stop us.  We knew how to defend, kill, and protect.  But we never met to stare death face to face.  As I never wanted to be the only one standing.

     They took out Carlos, Chino, and Hector.  In the flash of chrome, my world crumbled, my heart ceased to feel, my soul ceased to be.  The bullets were meant for me.  It wasn’t supposed to go down like this. I begged Hector to take me with him in death.  Let me go down too.  I would rather take one thousand bullets then to ever feel this pain. It tears at my soul and I bleed and I bleed and I bleed.

     My boys shall never stand in the rain again.  Never shield their eyes from the sun’s blinding glare.  I will never be the same again.  For I got out, I alone escaped Death’s grip.  Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing here.  What is life anyway?  A mere passing moment that you don’t even get the chance to enjoy.

     I think of the way Carlos, Chino, and Hector died.  The agony I feel consumes me.  I can laugh it off but I’m dying inside.  So I ran from Philly, like something unseen was following me.  But it draws me back, like a vortex of blackness, sucking me into its depths.  Back to Philly, where it began.

     So here I am, another rain swept night.  I stand deep within the city.  Whatever is chasing me cannot catch me anymore.  I’ve just let go, it’s over.  Chino, I see your ghost on the street.  You call to me to go forward.  But, you cannot seem to tell me where the road is.  I hear a voice in the distance, an echo of the past. Children going to school, as it is dawn once again.

     I shield my eyes from the sun’s glare, look into the distance, expecting to see that car coming slowly again.  Guns coming out of the windows like accusing fingers.  But there was nothing there but empty space and time.  I will walk from here for the last time.  Bury  within me the pain of the past.  For now I know what you meant Chino, by going forward.  You meant the road to the future, and the chance we all have been seeking.

 Death led you guys to freedom, and life will lead me to mine.  I walk down the road that leads me home, sleep, and awake to welcome the dawn.  A dawn that has never before been so receptive to my eyes. Everywhere I go, I will see your faces, hear the sounds of your voices.  To the city and back again, I live on in your name, carry out your legend in my mind. 

I know no fear, I have found the grace that we were seeking so long ago.  I must move forward and believe that one day, on my last day, I will go on to see your faces.  The old gang reunited.  So that my soul can finally, rest in peace.  So that I wander no more.  Until that day comes, I live here, on Earth.  The flight of the ghetto always within.  My ghosts, shadowing me, protecting me as I walk.  I am the city, I am the streets.  I am pain and I am light.  I am the shadow inside, I am freedom.  I am life, I am death.  I know no boundaries.  I have no limits.  I have myself, my will to carry on.  Through the rain, through the dawn.  Through life and through death. But, I lived, therefore I am… not a shadow, but alive. At long last…I feel alive. 

In memory of those I loved who are not lost, but forever alive within me.

Blood of the Martyr

 

The city lay in a dreamless sleep,

 I alone awake to face the coming

Dawn.

I had prophesized  this day.

That there will come a Dawn, when

time will forget our peaceful city.

And Dreams will turn to Shadows and

then to Dust.

For that day had dawned, the moment lay near.

I wore the Cloak of Night like it

was my armor.

Like it could protect me from

The Dawn.

As the first light strikes the city,

then comes the hue,

then dawning Oblivion.

For at the first clash of the sword

against Dawn’s early Light,

the battle cry awakened the

sleeping city,

from peaceful dreams,

to the coming of the Dawn.

The Martyr stood tall,

even he had yet to know

what this means.

He could not see his own fate,

even as it approached and awaited him

on his doorstep.

As the evil seeped deeper into

the city,

many turned and fled, but

none escaped.

No one was to get out that Dawn.

And the Martyr wept his own tears

of Blood, as his city fell around him.

He was thought to be Immortal.

The battle raged into the Day,

with the death toll rising ever higher.

And what could he do?

What could the Martyr do?

But stay and fight and be the

last to fall in battle.

And he shall.

And he did.

As the Veil of Night once more

Reigned,

not a shadow of the Great City remained.

For it had fallen unto dust.

Unto an Oblivion of its own Creation.

And who can weep now?

For what is done is done

and what is gone is gone.

But for I, who have seen all,

I will always remember that Dawn,

how the Blood of the Martyr,

washed over the city,

and everything seemed to recede

into the deepness of the moment.

I cry even now as I write this,

For few have known what I have seen,

and even fewer will ever live to see it again.

The death of the Martyr

Will live in me forever,

for I am the only living spirit

Who still walks today who 

knows his sad tale.

I carry my fear inside of me,

like I will live to see it again.

I know I will not escape it then.

For the Spirit,

Can only bear so much

before it too begins to bleed,

begins to fade,

Unto an Oblivion

Which I alone have not created.